| 09 October 2009
Most everyone loves to celebrate at a wedding, or a birth, but when it comes to death we are more inclined to mourn and grieve, or put a lid on our feelings and just get on with what needs to be done. In some cultural practices women will grieve outwardly, openly and intensely, some use sound and movement to express their feelings.
In western civilisations men are traditionally recognised as more stoic when it comes to expressing emotions and as much as this paradigm is shifting, it is still common for men to deal with death through ‘doing something’, rather than talking and sharing their feelings. Just the other day I heard a man say he was criticised by a woman for not ‘talking’ enough to a person before they passed on/died. This is not an unusual story, and it may be one of the factors that leads to relationship breakdown after a death of a child, or someone close.
“Death is certain, the time and circumstances are often unknown, the best time to prepare is in the fullness of our lives. Many cultures and philosophies embrace the concept of living life as a practice for death.”
Zenith Virago
For many years Zenith Virago has worked in an innovative and unique way to assist people to be more involved, empowered and fulfilled around death and dying. She has been pioneering a return to a more natural, sustainable and holistic approach to dying, death, disposal and celebration. Zenith describes the journey as “educational and exciting, but above all else it has been a great privilege to share such intimacy with people in death and bereavement.”
I was privileged to meet Zenith in the Chat Room marquee at the 2009 Byron Bay Writers Festival. Zenith Virago, Claire Leimbach and Tryphena McShane opened minds and hearts, speaking of different ways to consider death and dying. Death was described as a pivotal moment, a pure time, an opportunity to drop the mask and be open to the mystery of life and death.
“We don’t tend to talk about death or the unique and personal journey it can be for those who are dying - and their loved ones, and through the silence everyone misses out because birth and death definitely unite us in a common experience.”
Zenith's, Claire's and Tryphena's book, The Intimacy of Death and Dying was published in 2009 by Allen & Unwin. This wonderful book offers comfort and guidance for those caring for someone who is dying or who find themselves in an unexpected bereavement. It is a valuable resource; a collection of 20 uniquely different stories written by people sharing their journey with death and the experience of being close to someone who is dying. Intimacy of Death and Dying helps readers to understand that death doesn’t always have to be sad and scary—there can be moments of intense love, happiness, kindness, even laughter. The more conscious we are of death, the better we can handle grief.
In the Chat Room at the 2009 Writers Festival many questions were asked by the audience. The panel offered wonderful answers, except they were more than answers, they were thought provoking perspectives and stories that opened up conversations, rich with personal experience and stories with great insights were revealed... the three speakers and the audience merged, creating the perfect ‘chat room’ experience.
“Let us endeavour so to live that
when we come to die
even the undertaker will be sorry.”
Mark Twain
I met with Zenith again, in late August, and here are some more insights she had to share:
“Dealing with death clearly has an inner journey and an outer journey. The outer journey involves dealing with paper work, organising a funeral and if you have dealt with this before you die your spirit may be more settled—If you have attended to these, you may be able to have a more peaceful mind, while letting go. If you stipulate what sort of funeral you want, leave letters to those you love, etc, then your loved ones will have more space to focus on their inner journey whilst they deal with your death, and this preparation is especially helpful if the death is sudden. Sometimes a little scrap of paper or a letter will give a great sense of relief, and become cherished mementos for those who love you and need comfort in times to come.
Many people are starting to do this, or they know someone who did it and they see the benefits. For children who loose a parent it is very valuable to be able to reread a parting message at significant times in their lives when they are need in comfort, or even when they are joyful. It’s about thoughtfulness, mindfulness and thinking of others. Just think when you are gone... ‘all you want to be is a smile on someone’s face when you are gone.’
Each death is unique and often it will be a culmination of your life... often the way you lived your life will be the way you experience your death, unless of course you have a epiphany which is possible. So do the work while you are alive and then you can continue this through your dying journey.
If you happen to die suddenly and you haven’t prepared anything for your death then it could be difficult to let go . . . and it is more difficult for the people you leave behind because not only have they got the shock and difficulty around the loss, they also have to be responsible for all the practicalities too, like finding the will, choosing the type of funeral and preparing all the paperwork.
Most of my work is about support and providing ways to find comfort when dealing with death and dying, to feel better in the moment and better in the future. A more natural and participatory funeral can inspire other people to want to honour death in a different way, different to the 20 minutes in a chapel with words that may have little meaning to the family and friends of the person who has died.
I assist people to decorate the coffin of a loved one, to snuggle the body in a favourite doona, with a teddy or something cherished if it is a child. We are especially inspired in this region to create ‘lifestyle’, and my work is a continuum of this so to create ‘deathstyle’, which stimulates a more meaningful and useful practice, which may help to create an easier path through the experience of death and dying.
One of the purposes a funeral serves is to be embraced in a space so to fully feel your emotions, to grieve and go to your deepest place because once you go down into these feelings then the only place to go from there is up and then you have more of a chance to celebrate the life the person that died has lived. If you fully experience the rawness of the death and then the collective energy of family/friends/community at a funeral, then this quantum mass will usually lift the spirit and the joy of their life may ignite a celebratory experience of acknowledging and remembering who they were and what a difference their life made. Some people may choose to dance, some will tell jokes and share stories . . . and some will need space... it’s a different experience for everybody and yet often the shared pain enriches the sacredness of the experience.
Death is everybody’s reality, it will eventually touch us all, and normalising or raising the consciousness about the intimacy and sacredness of death and dying is the way to go to find greater comfort and peace.”
Zenith is also a well sought after marriage celebrant, and the founder of The Natural Death Centre Inc, which is a non-profit incorporated association located in the Byron Shire. There is a healthy and growing movement of people and organisations who are working for a more natural and empowering approach to death, dying.
